Saturday, April 22, 2017

Happy Earth Day (please do not recycle the brains of dubious occult leaders)

Happy Earth Day! Please remember that the brain of Abby Normal, the world's greatest Witch Queen is not recyclable. A single bit of such brain matter can destroy the value of all the other recyclables that you have used in the creation of a brand new esoteric system. Check with your local recycling system for further restrictions.

Which brain should we use in the creation of the greatest esoteric tradition ever?
Oh right, the brain of a dubious occult leader.
On a serious note, one needs to learn the ins and outs of recycling. For instance, do not recycle garden hoses--they get tangled up in the machinery used in recycling. Also do not recycle broken glass or food waste because such items will destroy a whole batch of recycled paper. And remember that certain recycling programs do not accept certain types of recyclable material, so always check with the website of your local recycling program to see what material they can't process with their existing equipment. Together, we can make a greener planet.

The more you know...the fluffier the unicorns get.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

Why Trump hates marijuana (Nixon would have been so proud)

One of the policy positions of the Trump "totally not swamp gators--they just look like the normal Washington D. C. swamp gators with their big business and banking connections--really, they are just crocodiles (which are not alligators!) totally looking out for the interests of America....or at least, the winners in America*" Republican administration is that as a law and order President, the Department of Justice is going to enforce the severe marijuana laws (because smoking dope will turn you into a serial ax murderer) and totally ignore the rights of citizens on the state level** to decide that they want to smoke the pot.

[* "Winner"--those Americans who make more than a hundred million dollars a year.]

[** "But it is perfectly ok if your state decides that all those strange sexes, starting with the vanilla gays and lesbians, and going though all the variations of sexual identity {that are not completely and absolutely straight and Bible approved} until you get to those who love tentacles shoved up various body parts, can't go to the bathroom, can't get married, can't order goods and services, and most importantly can't get jobs. We respect state rights to decide what they want to do...:"]

And I think that it has nothing to do with pot turning people violent (which according to the Justice Department happens all the time, just proving that marijuana is the devil's drug of choice).

No, I think that enforcing the nation's pot laws (including mandatory sentences), and opening the door to kicking down down and arresting those with recreational and medical pot in states that voted for that sweet, sweet marijuana tax income, has everything to do with "President Nixon really knew how to run a government." And Trump's need to be able to arrest protestors and make sure that they end up rotting away in a prison workforce (but that is ok, big corporations forced to do business in the United States can hire prisoners for ten cents a day!!!--Look at those winners!!!***), and never again say that he is a bad President.

[***And there are even more winners as Big Pharma develops artificial marijuana meds and charges a thousand dollar a pill!!! {Seriously, most of the money to defeat new marijuana measures comes from Big Pharma companies...who are in no way connected with anyone in the current administration, we swear, and never lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.} Plus the consumer gets to win as they receive incentives (pain, agony) to sell everything they own to pay for their meds. Look at all the economic benefits you get when you keep marijuana illegal.]

For those who missed the point of the Richard Nixon reference, we now know that the Nixon administration placed emphasis on enforcing pot laws, so that black civil rights and anti-war protestors could be harassed, arrested and jailed, getting those dirty rotten protestors off the street once and for all. We know this because a former member fo the Nixon administration said this in an interview a few years ago.

...and I suspect that if Trump's DOJ does start aggressively enforcing the marijuana laws and decides that states had no rights to legalize pot, that in forty years, we will learn that it was all about getting rid of those who kept criticizing Trump.

So if I am ever arrested by the Feds for smoking pot, it will be because some Trump loving dubious occultist decided to call the FBI and get me arrested--all in the name of stopping my lying journalist ways, shutting me up about both Trump and the dubious occult leaders who think that he is the best thing since secret societies and lineages were invented. 


Does coloring relieves stress? Welcome to the Trump's America coloring experiment group.
Concerned with the actions of President Donald J. Trump and his administration of "totally not swamp gators"? Consider taking part in the monthly binding spell of Donald "Jesus" Trump and those who enabling his actions.

For full text of Global Binding Ritual of Trump, click here. 

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals 

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]

2017

February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

For a full list of future evil Bind Trump rituals, click here.

Wednesday, April 19, 2017

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals

Dates for future Global Bind Donald J. Trump rituals

[Asterisked * dates are slightly moved from the last quarter crescent moon to occur on significant dates.]

2017

February 24; March 26; April 24; May 23; *June 21* (*Summer Solstice*); July 21; August 19; September 18; October 17; November 16; December 16

2018

January 14; February 13; March 15; April 13; June 11; July 11; August 9; September 7; October 7; November 5; December 5

2019

January 4; February 2; March 4; April 3; May 2; June 1; June 30; July 30; August 28; September 26; October 26; November 24; December 24

2020

January 22; February 21; March 22; April 20; May 20; June 18; July 18; August 23; September 15; October 14; November 13; December 12

2021 (Oh my god--you are predicting that he is going to be re-elected for a second term.)

January 13; February 9; March 11; April 9; May 9; June 7; July 7; August 6; September 4; October 4; November 2; December 2; December 31

2022

January 30; February 28; March 29; April 28; May 27; June 26; July 26; August 24; September 23; October 23; November 21; December 21

2023

January 19; February 18; March 19; April 17; May 17; *June 14* (*Donald J. Trump’s 77th birthday*); July 15; August 13; September 12; October 12; November 10; December 10

2024

January 9; February 7; March 8; April 6; May 6; June 4; *July 4* (*Independence Day*); *August 1* (*Lammas*); August 31; September 30; October 30; November 28; December 28

[The compiler of this list offered to continue on, but the editorial staff of the Denver Witch Quarterly choked them to death for even joking about the possibility of Trump somehow getting a third term.]

[For the text of the Bind the Evil President Donald "Jesus" Trump ritual, click here.] 

Denver Witch Quarterly available from all finer ebook retailers.

Sunday, April 9, 2017

Child terrorist shoots his own mother (yay for gun freedom)

"The accidental shooting of Jamie Gilt [shot by her own four-year old son who picked us the gun left by his mother on backseat of their car] is the object lesson that my absurd nation deserves. When even supposed gun safety experts cannot keep themselves safe from their own toddlers, we should take that as an unequivocal reminder that guns are inherently dangerous. They are exploding projectile machines designed specifically for killing. And that’s not bleeding-heart hyperbole – it’s the explicit reason why many people are drawn to them. Cowboy games. Vigilante justice. Power.

America does not get to claim some hypercivilised global high ground when we foster – legislatively and culturally – a system in which incidents such as Gilt’s are not just possible, but inevitable."--Lindy West

[And yes, this columnist cites the fact that in 2015, more people were shot and killed by toddlers than by terrorists--let the wailing begin about the sacred right to carry guns to defend oneself from bad people like me, a dirty liberal hippy, along with the cries that this is Fake News--Sad!]

You can read the rest of this commentary on the Guardian news-site. 


Remember that gun freedom means that every toddler must be armed with a gun.

Thursday, April 6, 2017

Watcher of the Dawn is back!

The occult watchdog, Watcher of the Dawn is back up and running. This makes me happy because someone needs to keep an eye out on the occult scene...and I wander off for days and days, so I can't do it myself.

Watcher of the Dawn

Oh look, Griffin is playing nice with people, all in the name of making money.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Things that you might get expelled from an Order for (or Petition your fearless leader to get rid of these evil people)

This post was inspired by an exchange on Facebook which lead me to think of all the silly things that I have seen (or heard) that got members (initiates) expelled from lodges, Orders, covens, and traditions over the years.

There are some things that should get one banned from an occult group, such as being a serial ax murderer or being a sexual creeper or being the seller of pyramid schemes, things that no one in their right mind would agree is acceptable behavior--yet often are allowed by the leaders of occultism when it is done by themselves or their favorite students.

To balance off the lack of expulsion of the expel-worthy, what the occult community actually gets is expulsions over stuff that probably shouldn't be expel-worthy offenses, but totally are if the leadership takes a dislike to you...which tends to make one believe that certain occult leaders are only interested in their own egos, money! money! money! and sexual conquests.

But never fear, expulsions are always done for the "good of the tradition" and the "lesson that they will provide to the former member." Remember believing otherwise is an expel-worthy offense. Remember that the fearless leader does not want to do this, but the Secret Chiefs of the tradition have spoken.

In no particular order, you might get expelled from an occult group if you...

...disagree with the leader's politics.

[Therefore, my socialist tendencies (called communism by those who are enlightened) should get me kicked out of the Golden Dawn tradition by those noble leaders who embrace the true political faith of the Freedom Initiative Republicans (formerly known as Teaparty Republicans).]

...are a writer.

[True story, I was a member of a "Golden Dawn" Order, and was good to go for the next initiation three months before, two months before, one month before...and then totally unacceptable for the next initiation two weeks before. I was told that I had developed "ego issues" and was told not to come back until I fixed them. So what were the ego issues? Oh, the leader had learned that I was a writer who eventually wanted to write about the occult.]

...complain about the antics of "trusted officers."

[True story, an whole bunch of European initiates got expelled from one group when they complained that they did not want a convicted sex offender to be one of their officers. Guess who was kept as a member.]

...being a "black magician."

[Which much means that you can be thrown out for any magic that you do, including healing puppies.]

...refusing to expel someone.

[Oh yes, Order officers can be expelled if they do not expel the people that the Chief of an Order tells them to.]

...turn down an sexual advancement.

[Sorry, if you want to remain a member, you have to have sex with Supreme Imperator Pussy Grabber Midas--it was why we taught you about blindfolds in Neophyte.]

...get asked questions about occult matters in front of the group's leader.

[Because the Secret Chiefs say that your fearless leader is to be the membership's sole source of occult wisdom and knowledge. It is one thing to assign work to their aides, who are 100% loyal to them and the Secret Chiefs, but to allow an ordinary member to expound upon mysteries is simply evil.]

...fermenting rebellion.

[I told you not to criticize the leadership, or let them know that you can hex your way out of a wet paper bag, or know more than they do. Never insist that their vices outweigh their virtues. And never show any sign of leadership or organization talent.]

...refusing to shell out for additional contributions.

[By keeping your money in your wallet, you prove that you are evil and do not care about the welfare of the planet and its people who are being served by the greatest of servants, your noble and highly graded fearless leader.]

...talking to former members of the tradition.

[After all, expelled members always lie about why they were expelled.]

 ...learn the true lineage of your fearless leader. especially if you dirty your tongue telling other people about it.

[Remember that claims that some people conjured a Goetia spirit who told them that they were a Magus (9=2), or other people never underwent a single Outer Order initiation before conning their way into Adeptus Minor, or who have made up invisible people, or simply photocopied the material of other authorities and tradition, are completely and utterly false lies spread by those who envy their brilliance. Your fearless leader really did make contact with the one true tradition and its guardians who promptly decided that they were the greatest occultist ever and the only person that they would ever speak to.]

...disagree with your fearless leader's favorite conspiracy theory.

[Even if you were at the event, and remember it completely differently, you are wrong--or worse, a paid troll and traitor to humanity.]

...taking medication.

[Taking medication for physical ailments proves that you are unworthy of the hidden wisdom of the tradition. Taking medication for mental issues just proves that you are a dangerous psychopath that is going to kill everyone.]

...ask too many questions.

[Remember that your leader can only give you information by the spoonful because if you saw the whole system all at once, your head would explode.]

...being a spy.

[Of course, a spy will say that they are not a spy.]

...belonging to a forbidden society, political party, church, or religion. 

[This is sure proof that the darkness and evil of the world is out to destroy their group--after all, they sent you to wreck havoc with your trollish ways.]

...speaking positively about their rivals.

[You forgot that their rivals have never done anything worthy of compliment. The only occult leader who ever done anything positive is your own fearless leader.]

...laughed at this blog post.

[Because this post was nothing but pure vicious lies told by a paid CIA troll to help destory their group once and for all.]

Satire--making jokes about things that actually happened, but not quite in the manner that you told the story...because if you actually told the story exactly the way it really occurred, no one would actually believe that it was the truth.
So what inspired this post? A joke that my commie political opinions would be enough to get me tossed out of the Golden Dawn tradition if certain GD leaders could actually expel me from the tradition (they can't because I am not a member of their downline). 

First, I painted all Republicans as evil.
Tax the rich, and give poor people free healthcare.
And that means that I am a communist and should be banned from GD, right?
And people took this seriously, believing that certain parties were going to expel for my political positions....which tell you that this type of behavior is actually occurring in some occult groups.

Thursday, March 30, 2017

DWQ Beltane/Lithna 2017 pre-release sale

Get the latest issue of Denver Witch Quarterly (Beltane/Litha 2017) Witches Bind Trump & Occult Writers and Payment at the pre-release price of 99 cents USD. (Price will increase to $2.99 USD after the April 15th release.)

Contents include the ritual script for the global binding ritual of President Donald J. Trump, dates of said ritual for all eight years of the Trump's presidency (the compiler of the dates offered to figure them out for Trump's third term, but the consulting editor took him outside and beat him to death for making that suggestion), and a commentary debating whether or not it is actually evil to bind the President of the United States of America.

Fiction (two short stories): Water and Dreams— Shea Herlihy-Abba & A Fey Encounter— Misha Sparks

And a debate over whether occult writers should be allowed to charge people for their books--at least three writers weighed in (maybe a fourth, we have not read their submission yet). 

Does this cover make Trump's butt look big?

Amazon (US) 

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