Thursday, February 23, 2017

Global ritual to bind Donald Trump and those who abet his actions (version 2.1-ish)

[This is a ritual that has been making the circuit on social media--a global ritual to bind Trump and those aiding him--original author unknown.]

To be performed at midnight on every waning crescent moon until he is removed from office. The first ritual takes place Friday evening, February 24th, at the stroke of midnight. This binding spell is open source, and may be modified to fit your preferred spiritual practice or magical system — the critical elements are the simultaneity of the working (midnight, EST—DC, Mar-a-Lago, and Trump Tower NYC time) and the mass energy of participants.


Unflattering photo of Trump (small)
Tower tarot card (from any deck)
Tiny stub of an orange candle (cheap via Amazon)
Pin or small nail (to inscribe candle)
White candle (any size), representing the element of Fire
Small bowl of water, representing elemental Water
Small bowl of salt, representing elemental Earth
Feather (any), representing the element of Air
Matches or lighter
Ashtray or dish of sand


Piece of pyrite (fool’s gold)
Sulfur Black thread (for traditional binding variant)
Baby carrot (as substitute for orange candle stub)


Write “Donald J. Trump” on the orange candle stub with a pin or nail
Arrange other items in a pleasing circle in front of you
Lean the Tower card against something so that it’s standing up (vertically)
Say a prayer for protection and invoke blessing from your preferred spirit or deity.

Reading the 23rd Psalm aloud is common in Hoodoo/Conjure/Rootwork traditions.

Experienced magicians may perform an appropriate banishing ritual.

RITUAL (v. 2.1)

(Light white candle)

Hear me, oh spirits Of Water, Earth, Fire, and Air
Heavenly hosts
Demons of the infernal realms
And spirits of the ancestors
(Light inscribed orange candle stub)

 I call upon you
To bind Donald J. Trump
So that he may fail utterly
That he may do no harm
To any human soul
Nor any tree
or Sea

Bind him so that he shall not break our polity
Usurp our liberty
Or fill our minds with hate, confusion, fear, or despair
And bind, too,
All those who enable his wickedness
And those whose mouths speak his poisonous lies

I beseech thee, spirits, bind all of them
As with chains of iron
Bind their malicious tongues
Strike down their towers of vanity
(Invert Tower tarot card)

I beseech thee in my name
(Say your full name)
In the name of all who walk Crawl, swim, or fly
Of all the trees, the forests,
Streams, deserts,
Rivers and seas
In the name of Justice
And Liberty
And Love
And Equality
And Peace
Bind them in chains
Bind their tongues
Bind their works
Bind their wickedness
(Light the small photo of Trump from the flame of the orange candle stub and hold carefully above the ashtray)

(Speak the following loudly and with increasing passion as the photo burns to ashes)
So mote it be!
So mote it be!
So mote it be!

(Blow out orange candle, visualizing Trump blowing apart into dust or ash*)

(Pinch or snuff out the white candle, ending the ritual)

Grounding and Disposal

Afterward, ground yourself by having a good, hearty laugh, jumping up and down, clapping your hands, stomping your feet, and having a bite to eat. Grounding is very important—don’t neglect it. And remember—he hates people laughing at him. Finally, bury the orange candle stub or discard it at a crossroads or in running water.


Alternate Closing: After you’ve visualized Trump’s energy dissipating, gaze at the white candle flame for a few moments, close your eyes, and imagine a bright light emerging from the darkness and gradually being revealed as the flaming torch of the Statue of Liberty. The light from the torch then brightens intensely, expanding into infinity and burning away all darkness. After a few moments, open your eyes, ground yourself, and pinch or snuff out the white candle, closing the ritual. You can also leave it burning until it is fully extinguished.

Traditional Binding Variant: This variant was contributed by a rootworker, and incorporates a more traditional form of binding magic. In place of burning the photo, the magician ties the photo to the orange candle with black thread. As you are wrapping the thread around the photo and candle, say “I bind you” three times. You may also tie knots in the thread. Then the whole package is buried or, as the contributor suggested, “Leave it outside a Trump hotel.”

The Use-His-Pet-Phrase-Against-Him Variant: In place of “So mote it be,” instead say, “You’re fired!” with increasing vehemence. This should be particularly beautiful as the flames consume his image.

Baby Carrot Substitution: For those who can’t acquire an orange candle stub, Frater SHUF suggests using a baby carrot (and lighting the photo from the white candle).

Waning Crescent Moon Ritual Dates: February 24th (Midnight, Friday evening); March 26th; April 24th; May 23rd; June 21st (especially important as it is the summer solstice); July 21st; August 19th; etc.


Wednesday, February 22, 2017

Sealing the directions using IAO (reblogged from Nick Farrell)

Nick Farrell wrote: For a while I wondered why in the Sepher Yetzirah it refers to God by the name יהו instead of the more traditional tetragrammaton. This might be because the writer was using the name in Greek IAΩ. This name was the name given to the Tetragrammaton in the Greek translation of the Old Testament but was also a name given to Jupiter and was a mystical cry in the mystery rites. IAΩ was the letters of the sun, moon and Saturn in Greece, but it was also the first, middle and last letters of the alphabet. Translating it back into the original Greek it starts to make sense in that context.

He looked forward and sealed the East, with A I Ω.
He looked to the right and sealed the South, with Ω I A.
He looked behind and sealed the West, with Ω A I.
He looked to the left and sealed the north with A Ω I.
He looked below and sealed the deep, with I Ω A.
He looked above and sealed the height, with I A Ω.

Read the rest of the post "WMT (Western Mystery Tradition) Kabbalah is no longer my personal magical system's backbone" at

Monday, February 20, 2017

Bind Trump bizarre ritual (Why the spike?)

Overnight, this video (my July 4th 2016 video) had a spike in views overnight. And I have no idea why...beyond the fact that I have heard that there might be a serious "bind Trump" global witchcraft ritual happening later this week. So call out all your fanatic Trump fans to make a protective wall around Donald "Jesus" Trump, the most bestest President that the United States has ever had.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

Demon in charge of the universe (Death to the Great Gherkin)

Your average well-educated modern person ignores the world of the occult. This is probably for the best, for people who examine the world of the occult too closely sometimes start to notice the cracks in the foundation of the universe. These are not small cracks—no, they are the sort of cracks that tell you that there is a plan and purpose to the universe, but the shipping department of reality shows all the signs of being as efficient as your average overly endowed and underfunded governmental agency. Sure, there is someone in charge, but it is definitely not the figurehead that is placed upfront to take all the blame when things go wrong. The entity who is really in charge of the universe is very careful never to allow their name to be associated with any title that rhymes with “god.” And this entity is not only hidden, unreachable, petty, and maybe a little bit power drunk, they also fancy themselves as having a brutal sense of humor. And it is true, their sense of humor is brutal—it is just not generally understood by those who do not have a thousand consecutive years of magic, mediation and mysticism under their belts. This results in the universe occasionally working exactly as the controlling entity wants it to while the end consumer is busy calling for the replacement of the fictional figurehead because they have completely missed the punchline of the latest joke to manifest out of the universal bureaucracy. It is much better for the universe to be seen as a chaotic random series of events than to have the average person suddenly have the horrific realization that the purpose of the universe it to create the mental agony and confusion that can found at any Department of Motor Vehicles. After all, such a realization is how you get mystics who insist that the universe is just meaningless suffering created by a demon, and that the only way to cope is to get seriously drunk.

For those who can’t be bothered to read the previous paragraph, not alone understand it: The universe is supposed to feel like hell because it amuses the Sneakiest Bastard to make it so.

Saturday, February 18, 2017

Should liberal journalists be burned at the stake? Hardcore Trump supporters say yes!

Congratulations America for making it to week four of Trump's first term as President. Yes, that is right--it has only been four weeks. And in that time, President Trump has not been allowed to do a damn thing without the liberal media misrepresenting what he is doing.

So to recap, Trump and his supporters have no problem with taking away the visa and Green cards of Muslims from seven countries, even if they have been living in this country for a decade because "All Muslims are terrorists"; Trump has picked the very best people, who have no flaws, and have no desire to incite racism nor enrich themselves at the taxpayers' expense; the Republicans are ready to get rid of Obamacare and make sure that everyone gets the healthcare that they deserve; other countries are a bunch of assholes, except for Russia, who we love and who would never dream of rigging the system to get a puppet President; the voters still do not care about Trump's tax returns, nor the hydra-like tentacles of his business interests affecting his policies, nor the policies of his officials and representatives; consumers are eagerly buying Trump products because they are the best, and Trump's policies are the best; we must get rid of all immigrants who just take away jobs and only commit crimes--remember that there are no good immigrants--all immigrants are bad; we must do away with the EPA with its horrible regulations; we need to get rid of all references to the false science that says global warming and pollution is a real thing; we must close the borders to overseas products; only students with rich parents deserve to be educated; and everything is still the fault of those dirty liberal traitors led by Hillary Clinton and ex-President Obama, who are still conspiring to overthrow the bestest President ever.

And all this is true, despite any reports that you hear from the media, who are the true enemy of the American people.

Why is the media treating me like I am a third grader with nuclear weapons--nuclear weapons are the best.
Yes, I suffer from Trump rage. My wife is an ESL teacher (oh how we need to make sure that she never works in education ever again--who the fuck thinks it is a good idea to teach the children of immigrants?!?), and I am slimy person who once considered a career as a journalist, plus we are not good Christians--oh my god, we need to be burned at the stake for our unAmerican beliefs.

Of course, as a journalist "wanna-be" (I wanted to be a newspaper columnist, a funny one like Emma Bombeck; but I would have settled for writing political commentary), I keep feeling insulted by the way that President Trump is treating journalists. 

And I have noticed a pattern. Every time a journalist reports something negative about Trump, his policies, and the bestest people in the his government, Trump screams that "Those journalists are FAKE NEWS. So sad that they believe that I am the devil. I am here to led America into a new golden age where everyone glows in the dark. Nuclear weapons are good, but you can also do bad things with uranium. Sad."

It was really hard to watch his first solo press conference, given that he insulted members of the media at least thirty times (I lost count after thirty). Of course, it got even better when he sent out the bestest survey ever!

Do you believe that the lying media should be fined, tossed in jail, and burned at the stake? If you voted for me, of course you do. You are the bestest supporters a tyrant can have.
It was a very rigged survey, guaranteed to prove that Trump can take any steps he needs to put the free press in its proper place--kissing his butt and telling him that he is the greatest while ignoring any threats to the Constitution and possible harm to anyone who is not a rich white guy.

And when I interacted with his hardcore supporters, I realized that the only part of the Bill of Rights they support is the right to have handguns. The other nine parts can be flushed down the toilet, along with the rest of the Constitution, because dirty liberals keep acting as if it (and not those good conservative values that say only rich people have rights), the Constitution, is supposed to be the guiding principle for the laws and government of the United States of America.

I honestly think that his supporters believe that every journalist, every comedian, and everyone in the country, that criticizes Trump should serve jail time, or worse. By their standards, journalists should have never broken the news on Watergate, and should only criticize Democrats and other filthy liberals. (Yes, that is right--I just compared Donald Trump to Richard Nixon--guess which one I like better--the answer will surprise you!)

And oh, how I should not worry about what Trump was going to do because it was Obama that it is responsible for any crackdown on journalism that happens. All hail Trump--who can do no wrong!

(For the record, George Bush and Obama went after leaks that threaten intelligence and military assets--not every journalist that ever said, WTF?!?)

Trump does the bestest tweets, full of love for the principles of democracy...well, except for all those parts about a free press and common human decency.
In journalism classes (yes, I took some--I must be burned at the stake), I was taught that journalists were the watchdogs of society, that journalists served a purpose of keeping politicians honest, sometimes even forcing them to act as if they cared for stuff other than their wallets. We are not supposed to be liked by politicians; after all, we have to expose all the slimy things that politicians try to get away with.

And despite what hardcore Trump supporters think, if Hillary Clinton would have won and started doing half the crap Trump has, we would be howling for her head. But no, the media needs to be put in its proper place because we just hate good conservative values rooted in the only religious document that counts--the Bible--which completely says that witches, and liberal Trump hating journalists must be witches, need to be burned at the stake as a message to the rest of the rabble that the Holy Tyrant Donald "Jesus" Trump can do whatever he needs to to put those dirty filthy poor people in their proper place, enriching the wealthy.

But never fear Trump supporters, Trump still has another 208 weeks to get rid of all the immigrants, void those silly government regulations that harm big business, make a law to allow the imprisonment of journalists who say bad things about him, make it legal to kill all those people who do not believe in the same religious document as you do, and bring back tons of good paying dime an hour jobs. And after that, in 209 weeks, he gets to start his second term; and then in 416 weeks, he becomes President-for-life because you are going to change the Constitution to allow him to do so; and then when he dies, one of his relatives will become our next king. Oh look at how wonderful America's future is--look at all the happy rich people--try not to step on the sick and dying poor people.

Hail Trump! Or Hydra! They seem to be the same.
Oh wait, I am not a journalist wanna-be--I must be a FAKE NEWS journalist because I am saying mean things about your lord and savior, the bestest President ever--better report me to the authorities, so that I am silenced once and for all. All hail Trump!

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Friday, February 10, 2017

Five things that you might find in your guru’s trunk (Death to the Great Gherkin)

One of the more telling pieces of evidence that your guru, spiritual teacher, Chief Adept, Mother Witch, Supreme Shaman, or whatever term that you call them, might be a murdering bitch or bastard is the stuff that keep in their car trunk (or boot as those initiates across the pond refer to it).

 Now as previously mentioned, or maybe not, for the author is typing this story up completely out of order, chances are that your guru is innocent and has absolutely no desire to kill the Great Gherkin. Like the Great Gherkin’s least favorite critic has no real desire to murderize the Great Gherkin; after all, if he did that, he would lose one of his long standing jokes on his blog. For the critic pounding out one in the morning rage tweets and blogs, it is counter-productive to knock off the Great Gherkin. And as a completely innocent bystander, despite his apparent loathing for the Great Gherkin, one should not judge the rather sharp ax that the critic has in his car trunk as anything more than a handy tool that serves a humble purpose, just like the ten pound bag of cat litter (non-chumping), the dozen roman candles (as long as you don’t light them in Colorado, they are completely legal), several large bones (probably from a cow, or maybe a goat—it is hard to tell with such things), and the large plastic tarp. All these items have completely innocent purposes, and in no way should imply that the Great Gherkin least favorite critic might be a potential serial ax murderer who lights up the night’s sky with fireworks to celebrate his latest hatching.

Likewise, the fact that one of the Great Gherkin’s greatest buds, the Amazing Kitchen Sink, has five guns (a Luger, a sawed-off shotgun, a M16, a Colt 45, and what looks suspiciously like a fully automatic machine gun), five boxes of assorted ammo, five weeks of survival rations, five blocks of C4, and his five favorite porn magazines in his trunk, in no way should be used to argue that the Amazing Kitchen Sink is just a Waco waiting to happen, not alone arguing that he might be the guilty party that wants to see the Great Gherkin riddled with bullet holes. After all, there are completely reasonable explanations for these items, including being a doomsday prepper who suspects that the President of the United States is going to start a global nuclear war (probably by nuking Chicago to keep its murderers from escaping justice), long weekend hunting trips searching for heavily armed terrorist dragons, and collecting on million dollar debts.

A far more suspicious car trunk belongs to the ceremonial magic gurus, Kitty and Chuck Agrippa. In it, you will find a bag of cat food, several Tarot decks, a spare tire, some road flares, and a battered copy of Thelema and the Necronomicon, all of which points to their fleecing of little old ladies of all their money before forcing them to eat cat food and rolling them downhill while the little old ladies hold lit road flares, and the evil magical couple recite dark prayers to their dreaded dark lord, Cthulhu. We know that this is totally and completely true because the Great Gherkin himself, using the internet handle trollking93, revealed the Agrippa’s crimes to the world one wet and stormy August night, along with the fact that the entirety of the Agrippa’s lodge membership were paid CIA Freemasons trying to destroy his own esteemed Order—after all, if you can’t trust the Great Gherkin, who can you trust? In fact, the lying and perverted Agrippas are probably the ones that hired an assassin to whack the Great Gherkin—and if not, at the very least, they fully support the endeavor.

Another likely miscreant is the sock puppet known as Sister Seuss, who keeps in her trunk, some technical manuals, a bong, a couple of old coats, a copy of The Numpty Hater Grimoire, and some freeze dried bacon. All of these items are suspicious and point to a diseased mind, and are especially worrisome given that her real identity, Falcon Wilde, also has a trunk filled with awful things: some barb wire, some loose hay, a battered saddle, a broken laptop, and a buck fifty in Canadian quarters. One must agree that both the pseudonym, as well as the actual flesh and blood person, are both completely out of their numpty hating minds, as well as likely suspects for wanting to see the Great Gherkin thrown out of an airplane without a parachute, thanks to the items that he…she…it keeps in their two trunks.

And before we leave this subject, a subject that one must be fully aware of, if one wants to avoid bad gurus and the evil machinations of your own grandmother (we have seen the contents of her car trunk—she is completely evil), let’s take a look at the car trunks of two of the most famous Big Name Occultists to ever live—Buddha Night and the Living Devil. Buddha Night, the fabulous warlock of Arkham and entertaining late night talk show guest, has several dildos (but no lube), some motor oil (oh, there is lube), a jade thing-a-bob, some press releases, and a thousand autographed headshots—all of which is suspicious and just slightly weird. His partner in crime, the most famous black magician of all, the Living Devil has several plastic tarps painted with nonsensical names and symbols, a fake human skeleton, a map of the great state of Nevada (which is worrisome, given that he lives in Texas), a couple of gallons of Kool-Aid (in his kid’s favorite flavor), and absolutely no drugs—all of which deserve a whispered call to the FBI and Homeland Security.